Content Warnings: Typical mafia violence, atypical monster violence, brief kidnapping, monstrous smexy times with knotting, spanking, forced orgasm, orgasm denial, exhibitionism, and light bondage.
Chapter 1.
Neil Ricci had imagined many different futures for himself over the years, but not a one ever included working at a flower shop.
He’d wanted to be an astronaut when he was a little boy. Later, his dream was to be a professional chef or a break-dancer, or a break-dancer who also cooked while dancing. His adult aspirations were far more grounded and ranged from an accountant to a financier because they always dressed so well.
Unfortunately, a future working with money required a lot of math, and Neil struggled miserably with his classes. After failing two, he’d decided to take the summer off and reevaluate his plans.
He needed a job and a place to stay, and he was surprised when his uncle, Shiloh Ricci, offered him a unique opportunity for both by working at his flower shop, Uranian Flora. His uncle had always been a bit of an eccentric, disappearing for months at a time while he traveled all over the world, and he needed someone to watch the shop for him during his next big adventure.
The offer of good pay plus free room and board was too good to pass up.
The flower shop was a large three-story brick building located in the heart of downtown Somerstown, a populous city with a crowded skyline. The city had held on to its greenery in the face of progress and boasted several lush parks and massive oak trees on practically every corner, and it was also known for the annual festival celebrating its many colorful azalea bushes blooming.
It was also known for its serial killers, having had two prolific fiends who’d stalked the city back in the eighties, but there weren’t any festivals for them.
The flower shop had three award-winning azalea bushes flanking either side of the front door. The first floor was the actual store proper, including a lavish greenhouse that was impossibly bigger inside than it looked to be from the outside. The second floor was a spacious two-bedroom apartment where Neil was staying, and the third floor was rented out as office space that tenants accessed via a service elevator in the back of the building.
The awnings hanging over the door and windows were the same vibrant shade of pink as the prized azaleas, one of many examples of nauseatingly bright colors clashing with the dark rustic state of the building. His uncle had insisted on using big pops of color everywhere, and the counter and moldings inside the shop had also been painted hot pink. The frames of the menu and bulletin board up behind the counter were a shocking shade of lime green, the wooden floors were stained neon blue, and it was all enough to give Neil a headache if he stared for too long.
At least there weren’t any crazy colors upstairs.
His uncle had stayed around for a few days to teach Neil the basics, and it was laughably easy. Neil’s responsibilities included running the register, watering the plants in the greenhouse, answering the phone, and taking new orders. He didn’t actually have to create or stock any of the arrangements.
The cooler and the displays in the shop were always freshly stocked when Neil came in to open the shop for the day. His uncle had explained that the delivery drivers and florists worked very early hours, so Neil should never be surprised when the flowers were there before he even woke up.
Neil didn’t think much of it.
After all, he’d never worked in a flower shop before, and he assumed that’s how it was done. He took the orders, wrote out the delivery schedule, left the orders on the counter in a little box, and everything just sort of… happened?
Okay, yes, it was a bit strange.
He never saw anyone else, even during the evenings when he stayed up a bit too late reading or playing on his phone. He’d been here for weeks and never heard the sound of a truck, the doors opening—not a peep. By contrast, he heard the people renting out the floor above him stomping around all the time, sometimes as late as two o’clock in the morning.
Yes, it was all very strange, but this was the best job he’d ever had.
He wasn’t about to question it.
Neil had never made money like this before in his life, and he was able to save more than ever thanks to not having to stress about rent or utilities. The hours were long, which didn’t leave much time for socializing, but he was perfectly happy to spend the rest of his summer here. He was enjoying getting to know the regular customers, especially the ones on what he called the List.
These were the customers who had been getting flowers from the shop for years, and they all had standing orders every week like clockwork. Many of them didn’t want their arrangements delivered, instead choosing to pick them up in person.
Miss Loy got a dozen yellow roses for her weekly date night with her partner of forty-two years, Mr. Powell ordered big bundles of fresh herbs because he loved to cook, Mrs. R.L. Charles always got dahlias for the graves of her three deceased husbands, and so on.
There was one, however, he knew only by the name written on a sticky note attached to a planter in the greenhouse.
Morénas-Mostro had a night-blooming cereus on order, a thick climbing cactus that hung in a nondescript planter near the doorway. Neil didn’t know much about plants, but he knew he’d never seen that damn thing bloom at night or any other time. It didn’t look like much, especially compared to the other fantastic plants inside the greenhouse, and Neil wondered if it had some sort of special significance.
He knew certain plants symbolized love, protection, and so on, but he wasn’t sure what a dried up cactus might mean.
Persistence?
Determination?
Whatever.
Neil opened the shop like he did on any other day. He was tired since he’d stayed up too late. He’d needed to know what kind of cartoon animal he’d look like from a popular social media app—a big raccoon apparently, which was not that far from reality—and he was dragging.
He’d almost forgotten to change his shirt and barely got a comb through his hair. It was lucky he only had to walk downstairs to get to work. He’d checked himself out in the bathroom mirror to make sure he wasn’t entirely horrific, and he had tried to appraise his sleepy reflection.
Tousled black hair, washed out tan skin, dark circles around his eyes, and two days’ worth of stubble.
Perfect.
He slipped on his hot pink Crocs and headed downstairs.
Neil unlocked the register, counted it out, and made his rounds through the greenhouse. He watered the plants based on a chart his uncle had given him, though he had it mostly memorized by now. The night-blooming determination or whatever it was happened to be his last on the way out of the greenhouse.
Seeing a bud on it was a surprise.
Seeing that the note had changed was a bigger surprise.
Morénas-Mostro – CALL HIM!
Neil stared at the message for several seconds, and he had no idea how it had changed. It was the same handwriting as before, presumably his uncle’s, but this didn’t make any damn sense. He didn’t know how to call L. whoever since he didn’t see a phone number.
He stared stupidly as the letters morphed right before his very eyes to create a new message:
HE’S HERE!
There was a knock on the door.
A very loud, very impatient knock.
“Shit! Hold on!” Neil called out. He plucked the note from the planter and hurried to the door. He had no idea if he was seeing things due to lack of sleep or what, but he didn’t think he’d trust a magical self-writing note even if he was fully awake.
Neil hadn’t even turned on all of the lights yet, but whoever was here hadn’t stopped knocking. He unlocked the door and then whipped it open with his friendliest customer service smile on. “Hi, can I help you?”
In front of him stood a jaw-droppingly gorgeous beast of a man with warm copper skin, long black hair streaked with silver, and a sleek black suit. Neil was six feet tall, so this guy had to be six foot five or even six foot six. The man was twice his size, his muscles bulging against the seams of his jacket, and his long hair was pulled back in a tight ponytail. There was a thick scar cutting through his left brow that trailed over his cheekbone, and his eyes were the most incredible shade of ice blue.
Neil felt like one of those withered plant things that used to be mermaids in the sea witch Ursula’s cave in comparison.
Except he was bloated.
And stubbly.
At least his shirt was clean.
“I’m Lou Morénas-Mostro,” the man said in a gravelly voice, a low rumbling purr that accentuated his R’s. “I’m here for my plant.”
“You…” Neil looked back at the note.
The message had changed again:
I TOLD YOU!
Neil laughed nervously and shoved the note in his pocket.
It was perfectly fine that the note was magically changing every time he looked at it and never mind that Lou was the most gorgeous thing he’d ever seen in his entire life. This was all very normal, totally not out of the ordinary, and not freaking him out in the slightest.
Yeah, fuckin’ right.
“Something funny?” Lou asked briskly.
“No, nothing. Heh.” Neil cleared his throat. “You’re here for the night cactus, yeah? I’ll, I’ll just go get it.”
“Who are you?” the man asked with a suspicious glare.
“Uh, Othniel Ricci. You can call me Neil.”
“I’ve always conducted my business with Mr. Ricci. You are not Mr. Ricci.”
“Excellent powers of observation you got there, big guy.” Neil stepped back so Lou could come inside. “I’m not the Mr. Ricci that you usually work with, but trust me that I can run the register just as well as he can.”
Lou scowled. “You think you’re cute, don’t you?”
“I’m adorable.”
Lou’s scowl deepened.
Neil was well aware that Lou could probably bench press him and hurl him across the room without breaking a sweat, but he never did like rude customers—even the hot ones. His natural defense mechanism was to get sassy, and he cocked his hip, defiantly staring Lou down and waiting for him to speak again.
He was ready with an entire litany of smartass comments.
To his surprise, Lou laughed.
“Feisty little thing, huh?” Lou smirked. “Fine, Mr. Adorable. I’ll deal with you. Go get my cereus.”
“Your what now?”
“The cactus.”
“Right.” Neil darted toward the greenhouse entryway, dropping the watering can off on the service counter along the way. He reached up for the planter, but realized he couldn’t get it down. He was tall enough to water it, but he couldn’t lift it high enough to slip it over the hook.
Lou approached from behind him, his long arms easily grabbing the planter and bringing it down.
The sudden proximity made Neil’s breath catch, and there was a brief moment where Lou’s chest was pressing up against Neil’s back. Neil lurched forward, surprised again when Lou grabbed his waist to steady him.
“You all right?” Lou asked.
“Fine.”
Fine as in this brief contact was the closest thing Neil had experienced to intimacy in months and he’d already broken part of the wall in his bedroom from railing himself too hard with his suction cup dildo.
He was still trying to figure out how he was going to explain the damage to his uncle and now he was already imagining Lou’s dick doing some delicious damage to his insides.
“Thank you.” Neil took the cactus, his face growing hot as he struggled not to think about anything else sexual right this very second, and suddenly sex was the only thing he could think about. “Lemme go check you out. Wait, I mean, let me, uh, ring you up. At the checkout.”
Lou was smirking again, and Neil noticed something under his jacket as he adjusted it.
A shoulder holster.
“Sure.” Lou didn’t seem to notice or care that Neil might have seen his weapon, and he followed Neil to the service counter.
Neil paused when he saw a small brown spider crawling over the register. He set the cactus down and then grabbed a red plastic cup from underneath the counter
He’d drawn cartoon spiders all over it and labeled it SPIDEY JAIL.
“Spidery jail?” Lou asked, trying to read it.
“Spidey jail,” Neil corrected as he used a bit of receipt paper to encourage the spider into the cup. “Just give me a second to relocate my friend here.”
To his surprise and delight, Lou walked ahead of him to the door so he could hold it open for him.
“Thank you!” Neil quickly deposited the little spider in his new home, one of the big azaleas just outside the door. He walked back in, sharing a smile with Lou. “Sorry. I can’t stand to squish ’em.”
“I think it’s nice. Brings good luck, you know.”
It was obvious now with the way Lou’s arm was stretched out holding the door that he definitely had a gun under his jacket.
Neil wondered if Lou was an off-duty cop or a bondsman, and his train of thought halted there because he couldn’t think of any other professions that would need a gun at nine o’clock in the morning and require wearing a suit.
“Well, good. I could use some.” Neil walked back to the counter with Lou behind him, knowing he should really keep his mouth shut, but they had just bonded over spider relocation. As he took his spot back at the register, he felt comfortable enough to tease, “So, you expecting someone to mug you on the way home and take your cactus?”
Lou’s nose wrinkled, and then he laughed when it must have dawned on him what Neil had seen. “One can’t be too careful these days.”
“Hope you got silver bullets!”
Lou’s eyes narrowed, and he snapped, “Excuse me?”
Neil flinched, taken aback by Lou’s abrupt attitude change. “B-because it’s a full moon tonight? You know, uh, in case of werewolves?”
“Is that supposed to be funny?”
“Yes?”
Lou leaned over the counter, studying Neil’s face carefully. “Did your uncle tell you who the fuck I am? Is this a joke?”
“What? No!” Neil refused to cower, getting right in Lou’s face and snapping, “You’d think he would have warned me about the smokin’ hot douche nozzle who might show up to get his stupid fuckin’ cactus.”
Yup.
This would be how he died.
Murdered to death by a sexy guy for running his big mouth. Hopefully the many spider rescues over the years would help him end up in a good place.
Lou scoffed, but then he appeared to relax. “I’m sorry. I thought… never mind.” He sighed. “Please. Accept my apologies.”
“No.” Neil smiled sweetly, forcing himself to stay composed even though his bones were shaking inside. He checked the side of the planter for the price tag, eager now to get Lou out of his sight.
There was a sticker with a star which meant it was already paid for.
“Here.” Neil nudged the planter toward Lou. “You’re good to go.”
“Pardon?”
“It’s already paid for.” Neil gestured to the sticker. “You have yourself a wonderful day and never come back until at least the end of summer.”
“I am very sorry,” Lou said, making no effort to take the planter or leave. “Please.” He held out a hand and took Neil’s. “I thought you were making a joke at my expense. I would never do anything to upset my relationship with this store, your uncle, or his extremely good-looking nephew who is charming, witty, and whose compassion for spiders is very endearing.”
Neil hesitated. “Okay, keep talking.”
Lou chuckled, and he gave Neil’s hand a soft squeeze.
Neil’s heart sputtered, and he stared at their joined hands hoping his palm wasn’t sweating as badly as he thought it was. He noticed Lou was wearing a silver charm bracelet with glass beads, but he didn’t look at it for long—not when he had Lou’s dazzling smile to admire.
“I’m so sorry, in fact, that I would like to make it up to you,” Lou went on. “How about dinner?”
“Dinner?” Neil echoed in surprise. “You’re asking me out?”
“Yes. In hopes that it will repair our professional relationship.”
“How professional are we talking?”
“Mmm.” Lou’s gaze wandered over Neil with obvious admiration. “Business casual for now?”
“What is that, like a polo shirt and a blowjob?”
Lou laughed. “What?”
“Or like a shirt and tie with some frottage?”
Lou’s eyes twinkled. “Why don’t we see how the night goes?”
“Well, this is officially my longest relationship so far this year, and we’ve already had our first fight and made up. Look at us. I think it’s gonna go great.”
Lou chuckled again. “I think so too.” He rubbed his thumb over Neil’s knuckles before withdrawing. “What time tomorrow?”
“Not tonight, huh? Important werewolf stuff to do?”
Lou grinned slyly. “Something like that.”
“The shop closes at nine, but I could be persuaded to close up around eight.”
“All right then, it’s a date.”
“This had better be a nice restaurant. Cloth napkins nice. You hear me?”
“Loud and clear.” Lou picked up the cactus. “I’ll see you tomorrow at eight o’clock sharp.” He cocked his head, looking Neil over. “Wear something blue.”
“Uh, all right.” Neil was so surprised by the odd request that he didn’t know what else to say. He’d never had anyone tell him what to wear before, and he honestly wasn’t sure if he should be creeped out or flattered. “See you tomorrow.”
Lou offered one more dazzling smile and then left.
“Holy fuck.” Neil exhaled sharply and plopped down on the stool behind the counter. “Did that just happen? Did I just get a date with the hot douche nozzle?” He paused. “Am I talking to myself now? Yes. Fuck.”
Neil took a few moments to process what had been the most frustrating and equally sizzling exchange he’d ever had with a customer. Lou’s shit attitude about the werewolf joke was a red flag, but Neil told himself it was only one date.
Maybe lycanthropy was a sensitive subject for him—perhaps Lou had been really hairy in high school and he’d been teased and called a werewolf.
What that scenario had to do with Neil’s uncle he didn’t know, but he was willing to ignore it for now in favor of dinner. It felt like there had been some real chemistry between him and Lou, and maybe he would even get laid if he played his cards right.
After all, what was a fight without makeup sex?
“Then again,” Neil mumbled as he headed into the greenhouse, “he only asked you out after he pissed you off. So, he might just really wanna keep shopping here and not actually be interested.”
“Oh no, darling,” a sultry female voice soothed. “Louis would have never asked you out if he didn’t find you attractive.”
“What?” Neil spun around, but there was no one behind him.
There was no one else anywhere.
He was alone.
He grabbed the note out of his pocket.
It read: ???
Not very helpful.
“He has so many other ways to make people do what he wants,” a deep, growling male voice drawled. “Bribery, brute force, brute bribery.”
“See?” the female voice said. “He must like you!”
“Who the fuck is there?” Neil raised the watering can, his eyes widening in frantic search of an explanation—a speaker, a phone, any sort of device that would transmit these strange voices.
“Oh! Right, of course.” The female chuckled. “I’m so sorry, darling. Allow me to introduce myself.”
A woman in a dress with a poofy skirt and a frilly apron appeared. Her hair was done up in curlers beneath a polka-dotted wrap, and she had cherry red lipstick that matched her long nails. She literally popped out of thin air, perfectly solid and standing right in front of Neil.
“Hi! I’m Myrna,” she cooed. “It’s so very nice to meet you.”
Neil laughed.
He didn’t know what else to do.
Beside her, a giant dog appeared. Giant as in it was the size of a Clydesdale, and it had jet black fur and glowing red eyes. Its ears were pointed, its back was arched at an unnaturally high angle, and it was more than big enough to snap off Neil’s head with one bite.
Oh, and because it apparently needed to be extra terrifying, there were chunks of fur missing on its sides, exposing its ribs, but there were burning orange embers inside instead of organs or flesh.
Neil laughed harder.
Clearly, he was having a nervous breakdown of some kind.
The note was equally concerned.
ARE YOU ALL RIGHT?
It was nice to know someone cared, but Neil was nearly hysterical now.
“Well, I suppose it’s better than screaming, but are we sure he’s well?” the dog asked.
“I’m sure he’s fine!” Myrna said. “I think he may need a moment to calm down, that’s all.”
“He needs to change those shoes too. They’re hideous.”
Neil sat right in the middle of the floor because of course the dog was talking, since that was clearly just what happened when someone was having a mental collapse.
People appeared out of nowhere, notes wrote new messages all by themselves, and giant dogs made bitchy comments.
“Are you all right, darling?” Myrna asked slowly, enunciating each word carefully. “Do you need anything? Maybe some water?”
“I’m great. Just great.” Neil wiped at his face. He’d been laughing so hard that he’d cried, and now he was shaking. “So, uh, is this the part where I die, pass out, or what?”
“Or put on different shoes,” the dog whispered loudly.
“Hey, fuck you, zombie Clifford,” Neil grumbled. “They’re Crocs, and they’re comfortable.”
“The holes must be where all your sense of shame drains out.”
“Right, so.” Myrna cleared her throat. “I’m Myrna, in case you forgot, and this handsome fella here is Flanders. We live inside the Reliquary, that nifty little bracelet you’ve got on.”
“I’m not wearing…” Neil looked down at his wrist.
It was Lou’s bracelet, the one he had seen with the glass beads earlier. Upon closer inspection, he saw each bead was actually a small hollow glass container full of either dirt, sand, hair, or…
Bone.
“There’s a whole bunch of us in there, one in each little cabochon, but most times you won’t see anybody else but me and Flanders, seein’ as how the others are real shy,” Myrna went on cheerfully. “Saving that little spider sure made Buffy happy though.”
“Who?” Neil asked.
“She’s another spirit. Buffy is actually short for Bupha—rghhrhhhrghh.” Myrna made a horrible, rhythmic retching sound. “See? Buffy is just so much easier to say. And she is real particular about how people treat critters, big and small. I think she’s been bored with Lou. It’s always the same with him, but you’re so spunky and new!”
“Lou.” Neil took a deep breath. “I need to call Lou and tell him to come back here right now and get his crazy bracelet full of people and talking dogs and weird magical notes.”
“Magical notes?” Myrna blinked.
“This has to have something to do with you guys, right?” Neil held up the note.
HELLO! the note read.
“Oh! How curious.” Myrna frowned. “I’m sorry, but I’m not sure we’ve had the pleasure.”
HI
“My goodness! This is indeed most unusual. Hello there!”
NICE TO MEET YOU
“So, you don’t know why it’s doing that?” Neil shoved the chatty note back into his pocket. “Because it didn’t start acting weird until that cactus thing bloomed and Lou showed up.”
“Afraid not. It is very strange that it can see me. But aw! Don’t you worry.” Myrna patted Neil’s shoulder. “Lou will be back before you know it once he realizes we’re missing. He knows a lot about magic. He’ll probably know. He’ll be back real soon, I promise.”
“How soon?”
“Well, I do hope it’s before the sun goes down.” Myrna smiled sheepishly. “That lil’ werewolf joke of yours… Let’s just say it might have been a little on the nose.” She grinned. “Or snout. Or the tail.”
Flanders huffed. “I think he gets it.”
“No,” Neil snapped. “No, he doesn’t fuckin’ get it because what you and the damn talking dog are both saying is insane. Are you seriously telling me that hot douche nozzle Lou that I just met is a damn werewolf?”
Myrna ducked her head sheepishly. “Now I can’t tell you that he’s not because then I’d be a big ol’ liar pants on fire, darling.”
“Oh no.” Neil cringed.
“Oh yes.”
“Oh shit.”
“Maybe change first,” Flanders suggested. “Werewolves are very sensitive to fashion.”
Chapter 2.
“Werewolves are real and I have a talking bracelet.” Neil laughed. “Great.”
“You have the Reliquary,” Myrna corrected.
“And ugly shoes,” Flanders added smugly. “Werewolves despise all manner of clogs.”
Neil ignored him. “And the Reliquary is what now?”
“An eternal repository for wayward spirits collected by a great wizard. There are nine chambers and each contains an earthly fragment of the spirit’s former vessel.” Myrna pointed. “That one near your thumb, the little curl? That’s mine!”
There was indeed a small curl of brown hair where Myrna indicated, and Neil frowned. “And why did this wizard want to collect a bunch of dead people’s souls?”
“For our magic, obviously.” Myrna beamed. “I am quite the kitchen witch, I’ll have you know.”
“What do you do?” Neil asked Flanders. “Bark at squirrels? Chase the mailman?”
“I can channel the eternal fire and toxic sulfur straight from Hell, but please, keep making dog jokes.” Flanders rolled his eyes.
“Will do.” Neil looked back to Myrna. “Is he for real? Like, is all of this… really for real?”
“I’m not sure what you mean.” Myrna’s brow furrowed. “We’re here to serve whoever holds the Reliquary. Which is you right now, of course.”
“Serve how?”
“However you’d wish!” Myrna held up her finger. “Within reason. You can’t ask us to perform tasks outside of our abilities and get your mind out of the gutter because we’re not those kinds of spirits.”
“So, no askin’ Ned over there for doggy style?”
“My name is Flanders,” Flanders growled.
“Right. Got it. No Simpsons in Hell, I guess.” Neil slowly stood and then took a few careful steps away from Myrna and Flanders toward the counter. “What, uh, kinda stuff did Lou ask you to do?”
“I mostly brewed potions for him. Salves, ointments, lots of things like that.” Myrna beamed. “Monster anatomy is very unique and often requires very special treatment, and no one likes going to see the doctor, even monsters. Like, oh! Luke, the changeling, he needed—”
“A changeling?” Neil kept backing up until he hit the counter.
“Yes! A magical being capable of changing their shape into another.”
“After they’ve eaten them,” Flanders cheerfully added.
“Eaten them?” Neil fell against the stool trying to sit down.
“No, they don’t!” Myrna scolded. She hesitated, adding, “Well, not always. Some of them only need a tiny nibble. Anyway! He has very sensitive skin, so I made him an ointment of amla juice, beef jerky crumbles, and coconut oil. And oh! Mr. Azazel, the demon—”
“Demon?” Neil’s voice cracked.
“Yes, a demon.” Myrna continued on as if this wasn’t a horrifying revelation. “He picked up some sort of strange cough after his last visit to Hell, so I made him a tea with honey, salt, and ground pumice. I added some licorice too! Worked like a charm.”
Neil finally managed to sit on the stool, grateful for the counter to give him some space between Myrna and Flanders. Myrna had followed him right over while Flanders chose to curl up on the floor just in front of the greenhouse doorway.
“Sounds delicious,” Neil squeaked out.
“He seemed to like it!” Myrna smiled sweetly. “Vilanos, one of the fae princes, is also a huge fan of my apple cobbler.”
“Oh. Fae? Like a faerie? That’s, that’s nice.”
“They’re really not,” Flanders drawled. “You’d be safer with a demon.”
Neil had no idea what to make of that, blinking rapidly as he said, “So. Demons. Werewolves. Faeries. Uh, those are all real?”
“Of course.” Myrna chuckled. “You’re in a tranquilla città dove i mostri vivono liberamenete, or a città sicura if your Italian’s spotty. It’s a safe place for monsters, witches, wizards, and all manner of not-exactly-human people. Somerstown is the largest in the country! Isn’t that neat?”
“So neat.”
“Lou’s family, the Mostros, has been watching over the city’s monster population for generations. He’s one of their underbosses, a very prestigious position, and it was an honor to work for him! So much nicer than our previous owner.”
“The wizard?”
“No, no. We were stolen from the wizard in the eighties and ended up with some awful man who wanted to get into politics.”
“At least he dressed nice,” Flanders called out.
“Well, he was still awful.” Myrna huffed. “Buffy ate him, and then we—”
“W-wait, wait, why is everyone into eating people?” Neil sputtered.
“Buffy is a very sensitive beast, and she did not like that man yelling at her. Our next owner was very kind, an old woman who found us in a pawn shop. Her name was Birdie, and she was such a dear. We lived with her for just shy of thirty years before she passed away. Old age, I promise. No one got eaten!”
“That’s nice.” Neil checked his forehead to see if he was running a fever. His brain hurt trying to keep up with everything Myrna was saying because it sounded insane. To think this city was full of monsters and he had a date with one of them tomorrow was a bit more than he could process at once.
He was certain, however, that he did not want to meet Buffy.
“Lou had heard about the Reliquary and bought us from Birdie’s family. Buffy thought he smelled very nice and decided to let us go with him, especially after seeing how kind he was to Birdie’s grandchildren.” Myrna smiled. “That was almost a year ago and now… Oh! I suppose we belong to you.”
“I… I don’t need any ointments or salves—”
“There are still eight more spirits who might be able to help you!”
“Seven,” Flanders complained.
“Shush, you. Be nice!”
“Too bad there’s not a spirit who can save someone from their own torturous clothing choices.” Flanders sniffed the air. “Or bad breath.”
Neil pulled himself out of his daze to address the insult. “That’s rich coming from someone who probably has extreme ball breath from laying around licking them all day.”
“Hmm.” Flanders sniffed some more. “Smells like jealousy to me.”
“Can it, flea bag.”
“Are yours missing? When did you first notice?”
“I’ve never been a fan of shock collars, but I’m starting to see the appeal.”
“Certainly explains the Crocs now.” Flanders put his head back down.
“You…” Neil fumed. “Bad dog!”
Flanders snorted.
Myrna cleared her throat. “Now, now, there’s no need for any of that! Flanders really does like you. If he didn’t at least think you were interesting, he wouldn’t be here.”
“That makes me feel so much better.” Neil took a deep breath. “The hellhound likes making fun of me. Wonderful. So, uh, how soon can I call Lou?”
“Oh.” Myrna frowned. “I’m sorry. Is it me? Am I talking too much? I know I can be a bit of a chatterbox. I really don’t mean to be! I’ve just always loved talking, and I get excited when I meet new people! We don’t really get to meet many, and I… Oh, I’m doing it right now, aren’t I?”
“No, it’s okay.” Neil managed a small smile. “This is just a lot for me. But I do like talking to you. And you’re very nice. So nice. Much nicer than the hellhound, who’s probably due for his rabies shot or something.”
Flanders growled.
“Aw, well, thank you.” Myrna curtsied. “I’m so glad! Even if we return to Lou, I do hope we get to see you again!”
“That would be great,” Neil said, even as he had sincere doubts about dating a werewolf. “But, uh, how does the return work exactly?”
“Well, it’s up to Buffy really. She’s the strongest of us and makes those big decisions. Right now, she still seems pretty set on us staying with you.” Myrna shrugged. “Hard to say what she’ll want to do.”
“I, I think I am going to call Lou now and we’ll get this all sorted out.” Neil scrambled for the Rolodex to look up his phone number. It was organized alphabetically, and the first entry was Aaron Aaronson.
Or, at least it was until the words magically changed:
HERE IT IS
555-555-1126
Neil shrieked and threw the Rolodex. “What the fuck?”
Myrna ducked out of the way as the Rolodex hit the floor beside her. “Oh!”
“The thing, it changed! It changed again!” Neil shouted as he jumped to his feet. He picked up the stool and raised it over his head. “Why is it doing that?”
“Well, we can certainly figure it out—” Myrna soothed.
The door opened and in walked Miss Loy.
Neil froze.
Miss Loy was an elderly woman with blue hair who always carried a big yellow umbrella with her no matter what the weather was. She came right in, smiling brightly as she said, “Oh! Hello there, Neil.” She eyed the stool. “Getting a workout in?”
“Uh…” Neil glanced over at Myrna and Flanders.
“Pssst, don’t worry!” Myrna whispered loudly. “She won’t be able to see or hear us! Only people who have owned the Reliquary can.”
Neil nodded and then replied to Miss Loy, saying, “Y-yes ma’am! Just, uh, you know, getting a little stiff from sitting here all day, so I decided to move around a bit!”
“Exercise is key to a long and healthy life,” Miss Loy said sagely. “My sweet Lydia and I still take long walks through Shelley Park every morning. It’s so lovely, especially when all the azaleas are in bloom!”
“That sounds so beautiful.” Neil forced a smile.
“Oh!” Miss Loy reached for the fallen Rolodex. “Were you working out with this too?”
“Yes. I was.” Neil gulped. “D-do you want me to get your order?”
“Please, thank you.”
Flanders sniffed the air, grunted, and then put his head down. “She’s a naga.”
“A what?” Neil snapped.
“I’m sorry, I didn’t say anything?” Miss Loy blinked.
“Right. Sorry. I’m, uh, hearing things. I’ll be right back.” Neil stepped out from behind the counter to first retrieve the Rolodex from Miss Loy. He placed it on the counter facing the wall so he wouldn’t have to risk seeing any other strange messages, and then he headed to the cooler door, a discreet panel hidden in the wall just before the entryway to the greenhouse.
It was designed to look like the rest of the brick wall, and it was almost impossible to see unless someone knew what they were looking for. It was accessible via a small notch in part of the brick that opened it.
Neil hurried inside the spacious cooler, glad for the chilled air within to calm him. He knew Miss Loy’s order was a dozen yellow roses, and he found them in the usual spot in one of the many plastic tubs. He turned around, almost running right into Myrna, who had followed him in.
“Shit!” Neil jumped.
“Oh! Sorry!” Myrna backed up, grinning sheepishly. “I was just curious what was back here.”
“Hey! What did Flanders mean about Miss Loy being a naga?”
“Flanders has a fantastic sense of smell. He can sniff out monsters even when they’re hiding in human form.”
“You’re telling me that Miss Loy is a snake lady person?”
Myrna shrugged. “If Flanders says she is, she must be.”
“But she’s… I…”
“Deep breaths, darling.” Myrna rubbed his shoulders. “Maybe I should make you some tea?”
“No weird monster tea!”
“No, no! A nice calming chamomile, how’s that?”
“Add some vodka and you got a deal.”
“Is everything okay in there?” Miss Loy called out hesitantly. “Are you all right, Neil?”
“Fine, Miss Loy! Be right there!” Neil hurried out of the cooler. He wasn’t sure if Myrna could follow, so he left the door open as he rushed to the register. “Here we go!”
Miss Loy grunted as Neil thrust the flowers at her. “Oof! All right!”
“Thank you, ma’am. Sorry again about the wait.” Neil snatched her credit card from her hand as soon as he could.
Myrna came out and then shut the door. She cringed.
Miss Loy jumped, startled by a door that appeared to close by itself since she couldn’t see Myrna. “There must be a draft in here!”
“Yes! So drafty. Very drafty.” Neil quickly rang her up. “Do you want your receipt, Miss Loy?”
“No, I’m all right, thank you.” Miss Loy eyed Neil. “Try to take it easy, okay?”
“Yes, ma’am. Thank you so much. I will.” Neil forced on his customer service smile, hoping it wasn’t obvious that he was imagining what Miss Loy really looked like underneath her wrinkles.
Scales, obviously.
But would they be green? Black? Purple?
“Take care now!” Miss Loy waved as she left, though she did glance back worriedly at Neil one more time.
Neil waited until she was out of view completely from the front windows before he sighed in relief. “Holy shit. Okay, yes. I need to call Lou right now.” He turned the Rolodex around to get the phone number, but all he saw was the card for Mr. Aaronson. “Oh, come on.”
Then the words changed:
ARE YOU MAD AT ME? 🙁
“I’m sorry,” Neil said. “I was a tiny bit freaked out that the Rolodex was talking to me.” He looked to Myrna. “You really have no idea what this is?”
“Can’t say I do.” Myrna shrugged. “I’ve never met a possessed house before.”
“Possessed?”
“It doesn’t smell possessed as much as it smells enchanted,” Flanders chimed in. “Would explain why it can see and hear us.”
“Are you enchanted or possessed?” Neil asked the Rolodex.
The letters moved around again.
I’M ACTUALLY
The word stopped there and then changed again, writing quickly:
WATCH OUT!!!
“For what—”
The front window exploded inward as a giant monster leapt through it with a horrible howl. Flanders leapt to his feet, impossibly fast as he dove over to shield Neil from the shower of glass. The entire window was shattered as was part of the frame, and the monster was a…
It was a…
Neil laughed.
Laughing was apparently his new reaction to all things shocking and horrible because the monster that had just come crashing into the flower shop was a werewolf.
The beast was a giant anthropomorphic wolf with shaggy gray fur and bright orange eyes. Its body shape was generally humanoid with broad shoulders and powerful arms, though its head was absolutely that of a big wolf. It reared up from where it had landed on the floor, standing on its two powerful hind legs and glaring at Neil.
Neil screamed.
Myrna screamed.
They ran.
The cooler was the safest place Neil could think of, but the werewolf cut them off. It jumped right in front of them, blocking the hidden door with a furious snarl.
Neil and Myrna screamed again and then tried to bolt around it.
The werewolf swiped at Neil, catching his shirt sleeve and shredding it.
“Fuck, fuck, fuck!” Neil groaned.
“Neil!” Myrna cried. “Oh, your poor shirt—”
“Just fucking run!”
Neil grabbed Myrna’s hand as they bolted to the greenhouse. He had no idea why he was headed this way except it was in the opposite direction of the giant werewolf. He looked back to see Flanders chomping down on the werewolf’s leg to keep it from following them, and the werewolf was more than a bit stunned to be attacked by something it couldn’t see.
“How the fuck is there a werewolf in the middle of the fucking day?” Neil demanded.
Myrna gasped. “You know they don’t actually need a full moon to shift, right?”
“I fucking do now!”
Two more werewolves busted through the greenhouse windows, and Neil and Myrna clung to each other, screaming.
“Give us the bracelet,” the larger of the werewolves ordered. “Now!”
Flanders pushed himself in front of Myrna and Neil, and he let loose a stream of white fire from his mouth. The flames sent the werewolves running for cover, but one of them tripped over a large planter. Flanders marched forward, spitting out more fire and catching the werewolf in the blast, turning him into a charred skeleton within seconds.
The flames were unlike anything Neil had ever seen before. Even as he stared at what used to be a giant werewolf, the floor beneath its body was untouched. The fire was precisely targeted and once the object of its aim had been decimated, the flames simply extinguished themselves. Whatever was left behind of the wolf continued to smolder until it was nothing but ashes.
The gray werewolf who had busted through the front window was up on its feet again, charging now toward Myrna and Neil.
Neil was positive this was going to be how he died.
Kibbles ‘n Bits for a werewolf.
A haunting howl pierced the air, loud enough to rattle the windows. Neil tried to look for the source, and he saw a massive black shadow zooming through the air to tackle the attacking werewolf.
It was another werewolf.
This one was the biggest yet, with jet black fur dusted with silver and gleaming blue eyes. The black werewolf took the gray one to the ground with an epic roar, clawing and tearing at its throat. The small werewolf who’d retreated earlier was back to join the fray, but the black wolf easily tossed it aside for Flanders to incinerate.
Neil couldn’t tear his eyes away from the giant black werewolf, his heart pounding as he realized he’d seen those icy blue eyes before and the scar cutting across the left one was so very familiar…
The black werewolf continued to wrestle with the gray one until there was a sickening crunch—the gray wolf’s neck breaking.
Neil shuddered.
The black werewolf pulled away with a growl, rising to its feet and brushing off its fur. In a low, growly tone, it said, “Flanders, if you please.”
“I don’t work for you anymore,” Flanders said sweetly. “But I do love burning things, so I’m only doing this because I want to. Not because you’re telling me to.” He spit a blast of fire at the gray werewolf’s corpse, reducing it to ash like the others.
The black werewolf then began to change. Its fur receded to reveal flesh, and there was a noisy popping sound as it shrunk, no doubt from its bones rearranging themselves. The shift revealed a human who was impressive in his own right as he was muscular, thick, and…
Naked.
Oh, so very naked.
It was Lou.
Neil couldn’t help but stare, gawking at the feast of beautiful bare skin before him.
Lou’s hair was falling around his face like a wild mane, and his broad chest heaved from the exertion of battle. Every inch of his powerful body spoke of brute strength, and his muscles were absolutely bulging. He had a thick sweep of hair across his torso that led an enticing trail right down to his—yup, naked.
So definitely naked.
Neil jerked his eyes upward.
“Hi, Lou!” Myrna whispered loudly as she gave a little wave before going back to clinging to Neil.
“Hello, Myrna.” Lou smiled, though it was strained. His gaze snapped to Neil. “Summon the Architect. Now.”
“Summon the what now?” Neil blinked.
“Summon the Architect. From the Reliquary.”
“Wow.” Neil laughed. “It’s so fucking cute you think I know what that is or how to do it!”
“He really has no idea what he’s doing.” Flanders snorted. “Just look at his shoes.”
“You say, Architect, awaken,” Myrna whispered urgently to Neil.
“And what will that do?” Neil scoffed. “Summon more werewolves? Maybe a fucking naga? Oh! How about a dragon that shits gold?”
“The Architect will fix this.” Lou crossed his arms. “Hurry up before the police arrive. We need to leave as soon as possible.”
“Excuse me?”
“Now!” Lou barked.
“For fuck’s sake, you really are such a douche.” Neil freed himself from Myrna and looked down at the bracelet. He felt absolutely ridiculous, but he said, “Architect… awaken?”
There was no magic puff of smoke or glittering clouds to announce the Architect’s arrival. It was simply there, as if it had been standing there all along, an unnaturally tall and thin creature that had to bend at its waist to fit inside the greenhouse. It had smooth white skin like marble, and it was covered in strange structures rupturing right out of its flesh that looked like archways and stairs. Its face was gaunt with deep set black eyes, a tiny nose, and a wide mouth full of overly large teeth.
It was one of the most terrifying things Neil had ever seen, and he had to swallow back the urge to scream again.
It leaned down close to Neil, staring expectantly.
“Ask him pretty please to fix the shop,” Myrna urged.
“Uh. Sure. Yes.” Neil cleared his throat. “Mr. Architect, please—”
“Pretty please.”
“Will you pretty please fix the shop?”
The Architect said nothing, but he turned to appraise the damage in the greenhouse. His body squeaked like rusty hinges as he moved, and he lumbered over to the shattered glass and framework. He leaned down, his long arms scooping up the debris and then shoving it into his mouth, his large teeth gnashing away.
The very sound of teeth on metal and glass made the inside of Neil’s ear tickle, and he shuddered. He jumped when strong hands grabbed his shoulders, and he jerked his head up to find Lou standing in front of him.
“Are you all right?” Lou asked, his brow furrowed.
“Oh, I’m fucking peachy.” Neil laughed wildly. “I have a possessed bracelet, a talking dog is constantly insulting my shoes—”
“They’re hideous,” Flanders sniped.
“—werewolves just trashed my uncle’s shop, and you! The hot douche I’m supposed to go on a date with tomorrow! You’re a fucking werewolf!”
Lou flashed a cheeky grin. “Surprise?”
“No! Fuck you! This is not a surprise! This, this is—!” Neil stuttered as Myrna handed him a coffee mug he’d never seen before. “This is tea?”
“Chamomile,” Myrna said cheerfully. “To help soothe those nerves, darling.”
“I’m sure you have a lot of questions,” Lou said, “and I’m very sorry that you got involved. Listen to me, please. We need to—”
The Architect retched loudly, puking the debris it had been chowing down on in a shower of glittering liquid aimed at the broken windows. The liquid suddenly took form and grew solid, reforming the damaged greenhouse windows until there was no sign they had ever been broken.
It was both revolting and fascinating.
Neil slurped his tea.
The Architect cocked his head, as if appraising his work. He glanced over the shop, and then he stalked over to the front window to eat the broken glass and wood there, doubtless to repeat the gross process.
“We need to go,” Lou said firmly. “You must relinquish control of the Reliquary over to me immediately. You have no idea what sort of power you’re playing with.”
“I’m not trying to play with anything!” Neil defended. “It’s not my fault the damn thing decided to jump on me!”
“Those were mostri ribelli, monsters who refuse to bow to the family’s authority and have been organizing a revolution against us.” Lou swept his hair out of his face. “I don’t know how, but they now know that a human has the Reliquary, and they will stop at nothing to take it from you.”
“Kill me.” Neil inhaled sharply. “You’re saying they’ll kill me.”
Myrna patted Neil’s shoulder. “Drink your tea, darling.”
“Yes.” Lou grimaced. “They want its power to take over the city and oust my family, and I will not let that happen.”
“Isn’t your family still fighting over it too, though?” Myrna pointed out with a curious quirk of her brow.
“I can handle them,” Lou replied. “The Reliquary chose me, and it will choose me again. Now, let’s go.”
“Wait, wait, wait!” Neil gestured wildly, backpedaling toward the counter and the safety of his stool. “I’m not going anywhere until you answer my questions! And oh, do I have a lot of them!”
Lou sighed heavily. “We don’t have time for this.”
“Well, you’re gonna make time because I’m not leaving until you do.” Neil held his head high.
“Okay, fine. What do you want to know?”
Neil panicked and sipped his tea. “Uh…”
“Well?”
“Well, now I can’t think of anything.”
The Architect puked again, his magical liquid vomit repairing the broken front window. He made a low rumble that sounded very pleased, and he turned to Neil with a big grin.
“Great job with the vomit. Looks awesome.” Neil gave him a thumbs-up. “Thank you.”
The Architect eyed Neil and then licked one of his long fingers. He reached out to tap Neil’s torn shirt, and the fabric magically melded back together.
“Whoa! Okay.” Neil cringed, wiping at his sleeve. “Could do without the drool, but hey, thank you very much.”
The Architect grinned one last time and then disappeared.
“Can we go now?” Lou pressed. “You can ask me whatever you want later, but we really need to leave before more monsters come. I highly doubt these wolves were working alone.”
Neil took a deep, cleansing breath.
He’d had quite a morning.
His uncle’s flower shop could talk, monsters were real, there were also bad monsters, and oh yeah, he had a magical bracelet full of freaky spirits that said bad monsters would murder him for.
Neil slurped the tea. “Fine. Yes. Whatever. I just wanna get this damn thing off and go back to my nice boring life, please.”
“Of course.” Lou hesitated. “I need a favor first.”
“For fuck’s sake, what?”
“Give me a pair of pants.”
Chapter 3.
Neil decided that fighting off werewolves would have been easier than finding a pair of pants that fit Lou. Even his largest sweatpants were obscenely tight, though it was hard to appreciate the view right now.
The flower shop had been fully repaired thanks to the Architect, but Neil remained shaken from the attack and the mental overload of the morning’s revelations. He tried to put on his customer service armor to function, but he just felt numb as he locked up the shop, still hoping that this was some sort of crazy dream.
He’d wake up in his bedroom, maybe a bit hungover, and all of this insanity would be gone.
Lou grabbed his shoulder, unfortunately confirming that Neil was very much awake. “Are you ready?”
Neil gazed into Lou’s icy eyes and sighed. “Yeah, I guess.”
“Hey.” Lou’s expression softened. “I’m going to help you, okay? We’ll figure this out, I promise.”
“Yeah, sure. We’ll just somehow remove the magical bracelet full of crazy ghosts so more werewolves don’t try to kill me.”
“Exactly.” Lou led Neil down to the end of the block where a big black pickup truck was parked.
They passed the torn remnants of the suit Lou had been wearing, prompting Neil to ask, “So, when you shift…”
“Yes, we have to be naked.” Lou opened the driver-side door and sat behind the wheel. He waited for Neil to slide into the passenger seat before he added, “Normally, I’d strip first, but I was kind of in a hurry.”
“How did you know we needed help?” Myrna asked, materializing in the back seat.
Neil flinched in surprise. “Jesus!”
“Sorry!”
“Yes, I was wondering that myself.” Flanders popped up beside Myrna and nearly filled the whole cab.
“Jesus!” Neil gasped. “Why do you guys keep doing that?”
“Why are you still wearing ugly shoes?”
“Flanders.” Lou sighed. “Compact version?”
Flanders turned up his nose as if to chastise Lou for ordering him around again, but he shrunk once he saw how he was squishing Myrna against the window. He was now the size of a large dog. “My apologies, Myrna.”
“Oof! No problem!” Myrna straightened out her apron. “So! Lou. How did you know?”
“Took me longer than I care to admit to realize I’d lost the Reliquary,” Lou said as he cranked the truck. “I remembered holding Neil’s hand and decided to circle back here, thought maybe it had slipped off then. Saw the wolves through the broken windows as I drove by so I parked, shifted, and hauled ass.”
“What happens now?” Neil asked. “You got some kind of magical jeweler who can take this thing off?” He tugged at the bracelet. “Because right now it’s very attached to me.”
“It’s complicated,” Lou said carefully, pulling out onto the street. “The spirits have free will and they can refuse a new owner. That’s why it’s so important to have good relationships with them all so they’ll help you when you need them.”
“Lou was a great owner,” Myrna confirmed sweetly. “I am going to miss him, but I do think you’re gonna be a swell owner too, Neil!”
“I’m not gonna be the owner,” Neil said quickly. “I, I have too much work to do!”
“We could help with that! I’m very good at gardening, you know.”
“He doesn’t want you guys. I do.” Lou cut his eyes at Myrna through the rearview mirror. “You know I need you.”
“I know that, but it’s not up to me.” Myrna shrugged. “It’s up to Buffy.”
Lou gripped the steering wheel tighter.
“Let me guess.” Neil grinned. “Is Buffy the one spirit you didn’t have a good relationship with?”
Lou gritted his teeth.
“Great.” Neil glanced out the windshield. “I’m going to guess sawing off my hand won’t work?”
“No. Trust me, I would have already if it did.”
“Wow. I bet you’re super popular at parties.”
Lou snorted. “I do just fine at parties, thanks.”
“Where are we going?”
“My home.” Lou stopped at a red light. “I’m about to be late for a very important meeting and I want to make sure you’re somewhere safe. Right now, safe is with me.”
“That’s very sweet coming from the guy who was willing to saw my hand off.”
“The other monsters will not stop until they can take the Reliquary from your lifeless corpse. Sawing your hand off would have been pretty merciful if you ask me.”
“All right, Leatherface, whatever you say!”
“I am trying to help you,” Lou growled, hitting the gas a little harder than he probably needed to once the light changed. “We just have to get through the meeting and—”
“Then what?”
“Then we figure out a way to return the Reliquary to me and you can go back to your perfectly boring little life.” Lou sighed haggardly. “I have people in the city depending on me and I need the Reliquary to protect them, all right?”
“More monsters?” Neil crossed his arms.
“The less you know, the better. And you already know way too much.”
“I guess this means our date is off, right?”
“What?” Lou frowned.
“Our date? Tomorrow? Don’t tell me you forgot!”
“No! I’ve just had slightly bigger things to worry about.”
“Well, now you don’t have to worry about it because I don’t date guys who have thought about cutting pieces of my body off!”
“The fuck do I care! I’ll just cancel the fucking reservation!”
“Good!”
“Fine!”
“They really are adorable, aren’t they?” Myrna cooed.
“That’s a word for it,” Flanders said dryly.
“We are not adorable,” Neil argued. “We’re a giant barrel of red flags—”
“Everyone! Quiet!” Lou’s voice boomed. “I need to think.”
Myrna and Flanders shrank back, though Neil could clearly see Flanders silently mocking Lou. He sighed and looked back out the window, absently clicking his tongue. Every time he did it, Lou’s eyebrow twitched, so he kept right on doing it.
Lou’s eyebrow continued to wiggle in annoyance all the way to the Byron Tower, one of the tallest buildings in Somerstown. It was a massive skyscraper with a gleaming exterior of steel and tinted glass, a shadowy behemoth leering over the otherwise bright skyline. White azaleas were planted all along the walkway to the front doors.
Neil had thought it was the headquarters for a bank or some sort of tech company, so he was surprised when Lou drove into the Tower’s private parking garage.
“This is where you live?” Neil asked.
“Yes.” Lou pulled into a parking space that had a bronze placard with his initials. “My family owns the building. One of the floors is mine.”
“Wow, an entire floor. Are you sure that’s enough to hold your shit attitude?”
“Very funny.” Lou rolled his eyes and climbed out of the truck.
Neil got out too and then followed Lou to an elevator. Lou pressed the up button, and the doors opened immediately. He stepped in, ushering Neil to join him. Neil turned around just in time to see the elevator doors closing in Flanders’s and Myrna’s faces.
“Hey!” Neil scowled. “Why are you leaving them?”
“They’ll be fine.” Lou hit the button for the twentieth floor. “They can’t exactly wander off, you know. If you’re ever separated from them, they’re drawn back into the Reliquary and they can respawn from there.”
Myrna popped up next to them.
“See?” Lou said. “Just like that.”
“Where’s Flanders?” Neil asked.
“He’s taking a break.” Myrna smiled sweetly. “Truth be told, I think setting all those wolves on fire tuckered him out.”
“Yes, arson can be so tiring.”
The elevator dinged to signal their arrival, and Lou led Neil out into a lavish lobby. The carpet was plush, the wallpaper a rich brocade, and there was a big door across from the elevator. Lou unlocked the door, but he paused to glance at Neil over his shoulder.
“Please don’t touch anything.”
“Uh, okay.” Neil frowned. “Got it. No touching.”
“All right. Let’s go.” Lou opened the door and then quickly urged Neil inside.
It was a spacious apartment with impossibly high ceilings and a giant window wall through which sunlight poured into the living room. The floors here were wooden and covered in thick, colorful rugs. The oversized couch was dark orange, and the coffee table had a rainbow mosaic tile surface. There was a small bar with two red stools, and it too had a bright mosaic top.
The home was surprisingly warm and inviting, maybe even a little kitschy, and there was also an alarming number of cacti.
Some of them were in pots and planters on the floor, and more were crowded onto big racks beside the window. There were countless varieties, from angel wing to Easter and even a massive Saguaro, and several Neil didn’t recognize. A tiny golden barrel cactus in a mug was perched on the coffee table, and there was a big pillow shaped like a prickly pear cactus on the couch.
Neil was not surprised to catch a glimpse of some cactus-themed dish towels in the kitchen.
“You really like cactuses, huh?” Neil whistled. “Like, a lot.”
“Just wait here.” Lou grumbled, marching off through a doorway just off from the living room.
“He loves them,” Myrna whispered gleefully. “He has cactus pajamas, socks, boxers. You name it.”
“Wow.” Neil tiptoed into the living room to get a look at the mosaic pattern on the table. It was of a wolf howling at a colorful sunset, and he saw the night-blooming cereus had a special stand of its own next to the couch. The bud was bigger, but it hadn’t bloomed yet. Lou must have made it all the way here to drop off the cereus and then realized he’d lost the Reliquary. He also noticed that the cacti all had names written on little plaques on their pots.
The Saguaro was named Rocky, the angel wing Sephiroth, the golden barrel Puffy, and so on.
Neil smiled.
It was actually pretty charming.
“He names them?” Neil asked.
“Of course!” Myrna grinned. “It’s good for the plants! I helped pick some of them out too. Puffy was one of mine.”
Neil laughed. “Not what I was expecting.”
“And what were you expecting?” Lou asked as he emerged from what was presumably his bedroom, as he had changed clothes. He was wearing a new suit and was just sliding on the jacket.
“Guns, knives, and torture devices?” Neil tried not to stare as Lou adjusted his tie, but Lou did look so handsome in a suit.
He’d looked nice in those gray sweats too.
“Those are under my bed,” Lou teased. “I’d offer to show you, but my family is waiting. We need to go.”
“And what family is this? Your family?” Neil made a face. “More werewolves?”
“And… others.”
“Like?”
Lou huffed. “Just don’t talk to anyone, okay? Especially Absolis and Vilanos.”
“Who the fuck are they?”
“Two of his brothers,” Myrna interjected with a helpful smile. “They’re fae princes and quite clever, so you would be wise to avoid them. Their dominion is the Ethereal, so anyone from that realm who wants to live here in Somerstown answers to them.”
Neil stared. “And the Ethereal is what now?”
“Oh! Right.” Myrna grinned. “There are four realms of existence. There’s the Terrestrial, which is this universe with Earth and all our little planets. Then there’s the Celestial—”
“Myrna,” Lou warned as he glanced at his watch. “Let’s just go, all right?”
Myrna made a zipping motion across her lips with her fingers, batting her eyes innocently at Lou. The second his back was turned, she looked at Neil and mouthed, “I’ll tell you later.”
Neil winked at her and mouthed back, “Thank you.”
Lou was already at the door. “Today, please?”
“Of course! Right away, sir!” Neil said with sugary sweetness as he caught up. “Anything else, sir? Adjust your tie for you, sir? Bend over so you can kiss my ass, sir?”
Lou actually smiled. “Save it for after our date.”
“You mean, if I still go out with you.”
“Oh, you will.” Lou winked. “You like me.”
Neil didn’t have a response to that except to blush as he stumbled after Lou back out into the hallway. They headed into the elevator again, and Lou pressed his hand against the panel.
A new row of buttons appeared, but none of the numbers made any sense.
“Three and a half? Twelve and three quarters?” Neil read out loud. “Thirty three point three?”
Lou ignored him and pressed the one that said thirty three point three.
“Some of the floors aren’t technically in this dimension,” Myrna whispered loudly.
“No. Right. Of course not.” Neil scoffed. “Why would they be?”
The elevator dinged and the doors opened to reveal a surprisingly normal waiting room. Neil wasn’t sure what he had been expecting, but certainly not this. Everything was clean and modern, though the various landscape paintings hanging on the walls were a bit dreary. There was a redheaded young man sitting behind a desk beside a large set of double doors. When he saw Lou, he jumped to his feet.
“Sir!” he said. “They’re getting ready to start—”
“I know!” Lou barked, ignoring the man as he made a beeline for the double doors.
“Who is that—” The redhead stared at Neil.
“My guest! Who is walking far too slowly.” Lou glared back at Neil.
Neil decided to walk even more slowly just for that remark, and he gave the receptionist a friendly smile. “Hi, how are you? My name’s Neil. I like candlelit dinners, moonlit walks on the beach, and really big—”
“Come on!” Lou grabbed Neil’s arm and dragged him through the doors with him.
The new room was large, round, and made entirely of black stone. The walls were lined with shelves crammed full of books and scrolls, and the only light came from burning sconces framing the heavily curtained windows. There was a circular table right in the middle with five ornate gothic chairs. They looked like thrones, though one in particular stood out because it was the largest and directly faced the door.
It was creepy, dreary, and definitely much more on brand for what Neil would expect out of a family of monsters.
There was quite a crowd of people in here, all men in suits or other fashionable attire, and every fiber of Neil’s being screamed at him to turn around and run. After all, while these men looked human, he was very certain that none of them were.
And, oh great, they were all staring at Neil now.
Fabulous.
“Myrna, find a seat for Neil,” Lou said quickly. “I need to talk to my brothers.”
“Of course!” Myrna gently touched Neil’s shoulder. “Here, follow me.”
Neil let Myrna lead him over to a small chaise beside one of the bookshelves, and he sat down heavily. He watched Lou approach two lithe young men who were practically identical in stature and build, though one had warm brown skin and long silver braids and the other was pale white with short golden curls. Their suits were the same style—a fitted jacket with a pink orchid in the lapel, sleek pants, and a cropped dress shirt to show off their lean stomachs.
They were both absolutely stunning.
“That’s Absolis and Vilanos Mostro,” Myrna whispered.
“Why are you whispering?” Neil whispered back, well aware that anyone looking at him right now would think he was talking to himself. “No one else can hear you, right?”
“Oh right! Well, that’s them. They’re the fae princes I was telling you about. Absolis is the fellow with the long braids, and Vilanos has the fluffy curls. Anything from the Ethereal must answer to them.”
“And the Ethereal is what now?”
“A dangerous and magical world that shadows our own.”
“Okay. Makes perfect sense.” Neil watched a man with fierce eyes and salt and pepper hair in a sharp blue three-piece suit approach Lou and the twins. He had a white flower pinned to his jacket, maybe a lily. “And who is that guy?”
“That’s Mr. Heiss.” Myrna was whispering again.
“Not Mr. Mostro?”
“No. I don’t know! They just call him Mr. Heiss. He has dominion over anyone from the Celestial, a realm most people consider to be Heaven and Hell. It’s between the Terrestrial and the Ethereal, but also above and below it? It’s complicated. Anyway. It’s full of angels, demons, and all manner of hellhound type beasts. Mr. Heiss is a very powerful demon.”
Although they didn’t join the conversation, a young blond with a thick metal collar and a man with unnaturally bright red hair hovered near Mr. Heiss.
“And them?” Neil asked quietly.
“The guy with the crazy red hair is Azazel, also a demon,” Myrna replied.
“And the twinky little blond?”
“Sariel, a fallen angel.”
“Right, of course, ha.” Neil scrubbed his face. “So, what’s Lou in charge of then?”
“The Terrestrial. Monsters native to this planet like werewolves, other shifters, vampires—”
“What?” Neil squeaked. “Vampires are real too?”
“Of course they are.” Myrna patted Neil’s shoulder. “Don’t worry. Lou only allows two in the city at a time and one works for him. He’s right over there—”
Neil resisted the urge to scream and instead, a strange gurgling sound came out. “Great. Wow. I feel so much better.”
“Do you want some more tea?”
“No, no, I’m okay.” Neil glanced around the crowded room again. “So, no one else here is human?”
“No.” Myrna followed Neil’s gaze. “The man in the blue suit whose face looks like a cat’s ass? That’s Luke. He’s a changeling. He works for the twins.”
“And those are the ones who eat people?”
“Yes.”
“Great. Awesome. What about that big guy over there? The one in the green sweater and the glasses? What’s he? A fucking yeti?”
“That’s Francis. He works for Lou. He’s one of the Franks.”
“The what?”
“A Frankenstein.”
Neil wanted to throw up. “Seriously?”
“He’s really more of a golem technically, but the name sort of stuck.” Myrna chuckled. “There’s quite a few of them running around, and they all look alike. There’s Frank Frankenstein, Frankie Frankenstein, Frank Junior Frankenstein, and so on. Everyone says Francis got the most brains out of the bunch, literally, and now he’s the accountant for the whole family.”
“That’s lovely. So very lovely.” Neil sighed.
“Do you see that man in the black pinstripe suit?” Myrna pointed. “The one with the rose?”
The man in question was a mature Black man with a neatly trimmed goatee and closely cropped hair. His eyes were dark, his skin a rich shade of brown, and his expression stern though not unhandsome. He didn’t look like he smiled very much, and he did indeed have a red rose in his lapel.
“That’s Q. Mostro,” Myrna went on. “He’s the head of the family and in charge of the Other.”
“Christ, what’s that?”
“A realm that exists within the fabric of space and time hidden between all the other worlds.”
“What the fuck kind of monster is he?”
“Something big. With tentacles.”
Lou walked over then, murmuring, “I can hear you talking to yourself from across the room.”
“I’m not. I’m talking to Myrna,” Neil retorted.
“But no one else can hear her, you know.”
“You can!” Neil snorted.
Lou sighed.
A brunet in a slick gray suit hurried over to join Lou, asking, “So, what’s the plan, boss? What are we going to do? Did you get it back?”
“Michel,” Myrna whispered. “Werewolf, Lou’s second.”
Neil nodded to indicate he’d heard her.
“We are going to sit back, relax, and let the meeting happen as planned,” Lou replied firmly. “The Reliquary is still in my possession, and that’s all that matters.”
Michel’s brow furrowed, and he glanced at Neil. “And this is—”
“No one you need to be worried about.” Lou glared until Michel retreated. He looked back to Myrna and Neil. “You two, just stay put and stay quiet.” He touched Neil’s cheek, offering a small smile. “Maybe when this is over, we can talk about that date?”
Neil blushed furiously. “Eat me.”
“Maybe for dessert.”
Neil was too flustered to spit out a reply, staring Lou down as he walked over to the round table. “He is such an asshole.”
“I know.” Myrna patted Neil’s knee. “But he really does like you!”
“I don’t wanna know how he’d act if he didn’t.”
“Let us begin,” Q. said, his voice a velvet rumble that had a unique resonating quality. Even though he was speaking quietly, his words filled the large room as if he was using a microphone. He sat in the largest chair, glancing at the others expectantly.
Lou sat to his left, Mr. Heiss to his right, and Absolis and Vilanos took the remaining seats.
“The first order of business is addressing the most recent attack from the mostri ribelli.” Q.’s eyes cut to Lou. “How many are dead?”
“Three,” Lou replied. “All wolves.”
“The bodies?” Mr. Heiss asked.
“Gone.”
“How gone is gone?” Absolis sounded like he was smiling. “You know our dear Luke is always up for some fresh snacks.”
Neil grimaced.
“I was more concerned with cleaning up a crime scene than Luke’s snacks,” Lou said flatly. “Sorry, I didn’t save him any.”
“Ah, well.” Vilanos shrugged. “Perhaps next time.”
“Is the scene secure?” Mr. Heiss asked firmly. “No loose ends?”
“We’re good,” Lou promised, “but we need to find out where these bastards keep coming from—”
“Who is that?” Q. hadn’t been listening to a word Lou was saying, instead having noticed Neil and staring him down.
“My guest,” Lou replied briskly. “He is Othniel Ricci, Shiloh Ricci’s nephew. He’s helping me get ready for the full moon.”
“Ah.” Q. nodded as if that explained everything.
Neil was very curious as to why that was such a satisfactory answer, and he looked to Myrna, hoping she had some information to offer like usual.
Myrna shrugged.
Well, so much for that.
Absolis and Vilanos turned around in their chairs to peek at Neil and smiled at the exact same time. They were still beautiful, but that was very creepy.
“Why, Mr. Ricci,” Absolis crooned, “you are a handsome little speck of human, aren’t you?”
“And such lovely taste in jewelry,” said Vilanos, eyeing the Reliquary on Neil’s wrist. He pretended to be shocked and gasped loudly. “Why, isn’t that the Reliquary right there?”
“Oh!” Absolis let out a similarly dramatic gasp. “Why, brother! It is! Imagine that.”
Q. narrowed his eyes. “Louis? Is this true?”
“It’s only temporary,” Lou said quickly. “That I promise you.”
“And exactly how is it going to be temporary?” Mr. Heiss pressed. “How did you lose it to this human?”
“I didn’t lose it—” Lou protested.
“He must be very special,” Absolis purred as he looked Neil over hungrily.
“Very special,” Vilanos echoed.
“I bet he would love to come see our gardens.” Absolis exchanged a sly smile with Vilanos. “The roses are especially lovely right now.”
“So lovely.”
“You’re not taking him anywhere,” Lou warned.
“Why not?” Vilanos smiled sweetly. “Who says he wants to stay here with you?” He batted his eyes at Neil. “We are so much more fun than Lou, I can promise you that.”
“Don’t listen to them,” Myrna cautioned, reaching over to take Neil’s hand. “They will try to bewitch you. Ignore the very pretty men!”
Mr. Heiss leaned over to whisper something to Q., and Q. nodded in apparent agreement.
“The Reliquary must stay in our family’s possession,” Q. said. “We cannot—”
“And it is,” Lou cut in sourly. “It’s not as if I actually lost it. I know right where it is.”
“With a human.”
“A human whose family has served ours for decades,” Lou argued.
“But is it truly safe being stuck to that fragile meat sack?” Mr. Heiss wondered out loud. “How certain are we that killing him won’t get it off? Perhaps you should let someone else try.”
“No.”
“Maybe what the Reliquary needs is some fresh ownership,” Absolis suggested. “You should let us take the mortal. We’ll be able to get the Reliquary off.” He winked at Neil. “The human too.”
“No, you cannot do that either.” Lou stood up fast enough to knock his chair back.
“Pfft, and why not?”
“Because I am claiming him.”
“What?” Absolis scoffed.
“That’s cheating!” Vilanos complained.
Neil froze as Lou lumbered over toward him. He had no idea what was happening, but he instinctively rose as he approached. He was also tempted to use him as a shield since Lou was the only one who didn’t seem interested in killing or molesting him right now.
Mr. Heiss and Q. exchanged a surprised look, and Q. clarified, “Could you please elaborate?”
Lou threw his arm around Neil’s shoulders and smiled as if that explained everything. “There. Satisfied?”
“No.”
Neil cringed, hissing under his breath, “What are you doing?”
“Just trust me,” Lou mumbled back. “I’m going to keep you safe.”
“I don’t believe you—”
“Shh, I’ve got this!”
“Louis.” Q. did not look pleased. “On what grounds are you claiming this human?”
“Ah, yes, of course.” Lou smiled. “I am claiming him as my mate.”
La Famiglia Mostro: Werewolves Hate Clogs
